Let the Blogging Begin!! .... Again!
After a long 9 month absence I come back with more inspiration and excited to continue blogging.... During this time that I was away my life changed drastically. I became so lost in my emotions and it became impossible to deal with so much sadness in my life.... I disconnected myself from everything. Dealing with a simple problem was a major task for me... I had no idea of how to control so much anger that had accumulated through out my life. I felt angry with the whole world... yes including my children.This dark and empty feeling was growing everyday and Depression became my nightmare..... I wanted to cuddle up in a corner and in darkness just fall asleep and hoping that the brightness of a new day would never wake me up.... but as the ray of the sun would wake me up every morning my anger and sadness grew stronger... the light of the day would just be a reminder of another miserable day of my mediocre life.
I remember crying myself to sleep every night and not knowing were this sadness was coming from....I found myself dwelling more and more on my past.... I started thinking of the times I was cheated on, humiliated and lied to.... and even though it had happened a long time ago , it felt as if it just had happened .... I would re live those moments in my mind and that was making my heart go numb... I felt I was incapable of feeling love or kindness again.... I was making my loved ones suffer with my isolation , but the ones that would suffer more were my children. You know you have hit rock bottom when your own children are not motivation enough to stop wanting to die.... My life was a mess , my house was a mess, and as a mother I was useless!!
People on the outside thought of me as a strong woman raising 2 children on my own and with a nice long distance relationship with a wonderful man that loved me very much.... but little did they know that I was slowly drifting away due to a very severe depression... the only ones that knew were my children and my boyfriend that lived in another state. I was tired of pretending to be happy and I felt I was worth nothing. I use to think that I would have been better off if I was never born.
My desire to die grew stronger everyday.... If I could explain to you that awful feeling that would come over me ...that feeling of wanting to disappear , that feeling of emptiness and bitterness... I would sit there and think my children would be better off with out me..... I would constantly think of how I could hurt myself and just make all my pain go away... It was hard living with all those emotions for years and years.. I know there is a lot of different ways depression affects people... I felt like it was killing me slowly... emotionally and physically too. I had a feeling of not belonging, smiling became such a hard thing to do.... How could you smile when all you can think is how useless you are as a mother, girlfriend, sister, daughter, and human being.
